April 1st 2012: Torn between running for re-election as mayor of Milwaukee or getting a mulligan to run against Scott Walker again in a recall election for governor of Wisconsin, in a surprise move Democrat Tom Barrett left the jaws of pundits county- and countrywide dropping today by announcing that instead he plans on running against Barrack Obama to become the next president of the United States.
“Y’know, I’ve been wrestling with this for weeks,” said Barrett, “and I thought, aw shit, what the summer Olympics coming up, I might as well just go for gold!” Chair of the state Democratic Party, Mike Tate, did not return our calls for a comment. But in a memorandum of understanding the DPW stated: “We are as shocked as everyone. Apparently Mayor Barrett has bigger fish to fry than our own Friday nights here in the Badger state.” Much speculation has surrounded the mayor of Milwaukee and whether he would enter the ring of Democratic challengers to Governor Scott Walker in a recall election expected sometime in June. “We were wondering whether Tom Barrett’s name would be on the ballot for the Democratic primary,” said Kevin Kennedy, director of the Government Accountability Board. “Not in my wildest dreams — and believe you me: I have some pretty freaky, pretty kinky dreams… — did I ever think we would instead be seeing Mayor Barrett’s name underneath President Barrack Obama’s for our primary next week. I guess ya just never know, then.”
Due to an unusually long and drawn out Republican primary, Wisconsin, which historically has played little role in the nomination of candidates seeking presidency, has found itself unusually flattered by the attention and favors curried the last few days by such luminaries as Mitt Romney’s wife, Rick Santorum’s sweater vest, and a widespread canvassing of “Who is Ron Paul?” bumper stickers, all in anticipation of next week’s primary. “What kind of man lets his ass get kicked at a state fair?” questions a new commercial released and paid for by Winnowing Our Future, Newt Gingrich’s Super Pac, in reference to Mayor Barrett rescuing a woman from being assaulted at the Wisconsin State Fair in 2010, who as a result suffered a fractured hand and multiple abrasions to the face and head, Barrett did. (See video of scuffle here.) (Former Speaker Gingrich himself could not be reached, as he remains out of state, out of money, and out of his mind.)
“Frankly, I didn’t think he had the balls,” said Kathleen Falk, one of the Democrats seeking to run against Scott Walker in a recall election. “He’s always got that nice guy thing going for him, ya know? That ‘hey look at me, I’m soft-spoken, calm demeanored Tom Barrett, and I’d like to sip chamomile tea with you while talking about fairness.’ Well, lemme tell you, tea parties are for the Koch Brothers and their cronies — cronies like Scott Walker. Me, I like to pound a couple beers, beers like The Spotted Cow from New Belgium brewhouse and Capital Fitness Supper Club, that’s what I like.” Other Democratic candidates running for governor, such as state Senator Kathleen Vinehout and newly announced Secretary of State Doug “wish he were like Bob” La Follette were too busy to respond, presumably because they’re not backed by union money and have to run a real grassroots campaign.
So it remains to be seen whether Tom Barrett can rise like a phoenix from his ashes. Pressed for a response, former White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs had this to say: “I’m not surprised. Nothing surprises me these days. I mean, did you see The Hunger Games coming? The world’s a weird place.” Mr Obama himself had nothing to say about the matter, but in an email his office stated, “Me and Tom, I thought we were tight. But, heck, Louisville and Kentucky? Jeremy Linn? I guess you never know sometimes,” references to the president’s well known fondness for minor league baseball. Will Mr Barrett find himself a Cinderella story or as the French say, “une petite pantoufle de verre.” Only tim will tell, but this cheeky quidnunc has bought his tix to see the ballerina big dance on the ice.
Liam Swogglehorn, 17:49 1 April 12
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(after a failed attempt in 2010)