What the FAQ, Waukesha?!

04 Apr
What the FAQ, Waukesha?!

April 1st 2012:  If the roused rabble in Dane County cries, “One year longer, we only get stronger,” then its flip-side in Waukesha County rallies around “One year later, we only get delayed-er.”  For once again, after a spring election in Wisconsin, none other than Waukesha County Clerk Kathy Nickolaus finds herself in the center of a centripetal incompetence where even moderate conservatives begin to wonder, “dude lady, WTF?”

Remember Kathy Nickolaus?  The county clerk of Waukesha who last year “realized” that she had “forgotten” to tabulate an entire city’s votes in the contentious and razor-thin close supreme court race election only after the liberal judge from Madison appeared to have beaten the conservative incumbent (who happened to have been her boss before this).  Yes, well the only thing that has changed from last year to last night is her makeover:


Nicely done!  Alas, the same cannot be said of the voting overhaul for her county however.  While surrounding counties had no difficulties posting their tallies within hours of the polls’ close Tuesday night, no such streamline of efficiency underscored Waukesha, where feet-long tape print-outs had to be hung onto walls and counted by hand, calling to mind a vandalized scene of TP’d pranks and high school hijinks the likes of a Goosey Night gone awry.

pendulous cadavers in a butcher shop or taxidermist.  (For the full story, see here.)

But what might be most surprising of all is who actually won the Republican primary in Waukesha County Tuesday night: not Mitt Romney, who carried the rest of the state, or even runner-up Rick Santorum, but Justice David Prosser!  That’s right: the supreme court judge who won last year’s re-election thanks to the city of Brookfield in Waukesha County was awarded all of the state’s 42 delegates to become the next president of the United States of America, even though Waukesha County alone accounts for but a small handful of the delegates awarded to the victor — and even though Justice Prosser himself was not on the ballot.

“Doesn’t matter,” replied Nickolaus in an exclusive interview at her neighborhood salon in Menomonee Falls, More Bangs for Your Bucks.  “David Prosser is our default mode for everything.  Even when we power up our computers, his face comes up, or his initials, DP,” instead of the more common “HP” for Hewlett-Packard.  Indeed, Nickolaus demonstrates this to me in the salon.  After starting up her county laptop, I see a smiling Justice Prosser’s face, hands happily in a choke-hold, rather than the county seal or even the Microsoft icon.  When asked about the discrepancy that Prosser was not even running for presidential election, Nickolaus interrupts me to explain, “Waukesha County has a special write-in candidate option.  Besides, Mr Prosser should run for president and be the next president, and I should be appointed his chief in staff…”  Nickolaus pauses then to answer her phone.  Sure enough, a vaguely looking Kermit the Frog-like photograph of Justice Prosser playing water polo lights up on her smart phone.  “Sorry,” she tells me curtly, “I gotta take this.  It’s Dave.”

It’s always that way in Waukesha.


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