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Category Archives: Snarkasm

Crimea River

To: Dear Commissariat Vlad Impaler
Date: 16 March 2014
Re: Crimea River

After the Put-in, your currency Russian down rapidly past international banks where you missed your Chinese takeout.  Better to practice in the kiddy Simferopool.  No one likes usury; neither a USSRer nor borrower be.  With whom are you in streambed with anyway?  We have tried to brook our differences and open up diplomatic channels, but your runoff from the mouth is constrainer.  A ledge ally, you think we are keeper you from this sticky business?  That’s a dam lie!  But let us broach diplomacy, lest we sandbar each other from the water table; our communiqués have eroded enough, wouldn’t you say?  For far too long have we been bogged down in cold shoulder politics.  This said, do not think for one moment we will merely roller over like bump on logjam, even during this your watershed moment on the wave of so much popularity.  If Ukraine your neck high enough to the sky you will see we have the Kiev to your lock.  Like your Lada to our Ford, Leda to a swan, your Mother Russia-of-pearl before swine purloined is beyond riparian.  Do you have any eddy how bad you look?  First your attack on our gay brothers and sisters.  (How do you expect to harness hydroelectricity without dykes anyhow?)  Now you’re back in the land grab saddle like a Cossack on horseback.  Then again, why buy the Moscow oligarchs, when you get bilk for free?  Paddle do, you might say.  But Huron the wrong side of history, my friend.  Let’s let bygones be, and our past troubled water under the bridge, no?  True, you drove me nearly drove me out of my head when you said you told me love was too plea bargain.  I assumed the interpreter meant to say proletariat.  And now you say you love me again, and ask me to dance the hedgehog and fox Trotsky.  That’s your come-on: Crimea River.  I cried driver, how you say shotgun in your country.  In Putin Empire, Helen of Troika comes to you.

 

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Maksing Mitsakes [sic]

Maksing Mitsakes [sic]

Oh, Mitt.  Buddy, just stop.  No, really.  Do yourself a favor and just drop out.  Do us all that favor.  I gotta break it to you: nobody likes you, man.  Nobody.  Just being honest.  Look, maybe it’s not your fault…  We all have bad days (though usually not week after week after week after week).  But you, you take the cake, pal!  How is it possible that you are so spectacularly incompetent!?  Seriously.  Newsflash: running for president is not rocket-science.  You show up, smile, say little, kiss babies, and make empty promises.  You eat a lot of bad food, take cat naps, and pander in the manner of a local yokel insert sports team or weather here as often as you can get away with it without coming off as cloyingly artificial and out of place.  But you can’t even do this.  You make Al Gore look like a hot-bodied rock star.  Shit, even Rutherford B. Hayes would tell you to quit being such a tightass.
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MP3s — Not the Apple of my iPod

MP3s — Not the Apple of my iPod

When my iPod goes dead at long last, it will not be replaced by another chrome clone.  Why?  Digital music is for the dogs.  I’m done with sacrificed quality for quantity’s convenience.  I don’t know about you, but I really don’t need every song on every album by every band or composer I like with me at my disposal whenever I like.  Added to that, a small library of digital books and enough podcasts to fill in the silence it would take to space-canoe to Pluto, good lord! like I’m ever going to get to all this stuff.  Plus it’s rather unnecessary.  I am confident that at no time in the history of human beings did average people (i.e., not technocrats) say something like:
“Say Bill, you know what would be a real improvement to my daily life?”
“Naw, what’s that, Betty?”
“A tiny device I could fit in my hand that would store all of my music, Bill, all my music as well as radio programs, plays, books, newspaper articles, lectures, photographs, videos…  Or better yet, all on my telephone!”
“Hold on there, cousin Betty!  That’s just crazy talk!”

Like the computer itself, the iPod is a solution to no known problem. Read the rest of this entry »

 

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From the Law Orifices of Bulschitz, Grin & Barrett

From the Law Orifices of Bulschitz, Grin & Barrett

April 1st 2012: Torn between running for re-election as mayor of Milwaukee or getting a mulligan to run against Scott Walker again in a recall election for governor of Wisconsin, in a surprise move Democrat Tom Barrett left the jaws of pundits county- and countrywide dropping today by announcing that instead he plans on running against Barrack Obama to become the next president of the United States.
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Sin Mints

Sin Mints

Something is rotten in the state of Indiana.  Or as one lawmaker has it, America — as in the Girl Scouts of America. Filed under “So Fatuous, Even The Onion Couldn’t Make This Shit Up,” Republican State Assemblyman Bob Morris of Fort Wayne is strident in his one-man mission to expose the shocking truths behind the Girl Scouts of America’s two-pronged credo:
1) to be “a tactical arm of Planned Parenthood” that makes girls “more receptive to the pro-abortion agenda”; and 2) promoting “homosexual lifestyles” while honoring noted “feminists, lesbians, and Communists” at the expense of prayer and singing Christmas carols.
His faith-based evidence and methodological praxis of research?  He Googled it. Read the rest of this entry »

 

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Still More Reasons Why Baseball Is Better Than Football

Still More Reasons Why Baseball Is Better Than Football

As a kid, finding a baseball diamond is never more than a mile or so away.  You grow up with it; it’s both a landscape of childhood and a landmark on the American topograhy.  And the relationship a boy has with his mitt, my God!  Reams of poetry can be written about it.  Sheer memoirs can reflect back upon it.  Not everyone can have a pet dog, but a well-oiled and broken in mitt – there are few unions in life so holy.  Nobody feels that way about footballs or helmets.  Regardless, you can’t really just invent a football field – how do you determine ten yards or out of bounds?  You can play catch, which is fine, but it’s as far removed from the real thing as two guys talking about picking up chicks than actually being in bed with the women the night before. Read the rest of this entry »

 

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What do we want? SPRING! When do we want it? NOW!

     Dateline: April 22, 2011  Madison, WI

Feeling blue?  Lugubrious?  “Bluegubrious?”  Don’t just sit there; do something about it.  So says Walt Krendard, spokesperson of Wisconsin Alliance of Fair Weather Friends, a citizen action group recalling spring — yes, the season.  “We all witnessed the equinox — some of us even attended the groundhog rallies back in February,” Krendard says, “and however you slice it, spring ain’t doing its job.”  Indeed, he furthers, “it’s run away and hiding out of state.”  Wisconsin recently has become ground zero for recall elections of unprecedented proportion, so it may not come as a surprise to find such a favorable climate for recalling the actual season. We went to Spring Green, in Iowa County, to find out what was happening on the ground level.

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